Dude, Cancer sucks. I will prove it to you.

Friday, March 30, 2012

3-30-12

Just finished the Hunger Games trilogy.  First off, while I understand that these books were written for teens (lots of gory death but no sex….our priorities are wrong…..but that is for another blog), the books still were not all that good.  The premise was sound, although predictable (very imaginative evil setup that needs to be overthrown; a seemingly unwilling heroine thrust into the limelight by other powers; final decision that must be made which will determine the fate of the world).  I had two major problems, however.  The first is that there were a huge number of grammatical mistakes.  Now I don’t eat, shoot, or leave, nor do I eat shoots, or leave but a professionally printed book should not have these mistakes.  The other big problem I had was the ending.  They should have ended the book the second she shot the last arrow.  Don’t tell me what happens next.  Don’t tell me how they lead the rest of their lives.  Just take the shot, and end it.  That being said, the books are nice potato chip books (a tasty quick literary snack that does not really fill you up but holds you over until dinner).

Cole has all of his big imaging tests coming up soon, and I am starting to get that gut twisting feeling in my stomach.  It is not that I am overly scared that the images will show something bad, just that these are the big ones.  We are all done with treatment and these tests will tell us if we are going to be able to move forward in a semi-normal fashion with the rest of our lives, or if this nightmare is going to continue.  OK, fine, maybe I am scared.  So be it.  I just want them to be here.  Waiting (like Aqua-Man, who is the Scooter of the Justice League) sucks.

So anyway like I was saying.  We are right in the middle of our busy season over here at Casa California Baker (busy season is the grown up word for the period beginning 2/11(by b-day), 3/1(Oliver), 3/2(Elisa), 4/1(Cole), 4/8(Easter), 5/9(Logan)).  Full planning control of Cole’s birthday party has been given over to me (what were they thinking).  I have devised a Harry Potter themed party which will include Quiddich  tryouts (sweaty grass stained kids), potion class (I think most of the ingredients are legal to give to kids), defense against the dark arts (love hitting stuff), and wand making (nothing like a customized weapon).  Boy parties are awesome.  I think next year we will have an MMA tournament.

Cole has issued his birthday request list, and it is thus:

Wii Lego Harry Potter Years 5-7
Art stuff
Football
Lego Harry Potter Legos
2 fish
1 hermit crab
A make lemonade kit
Pool
Green Eggs and Ham (not sure if he wants the meal or the book)

Logan’s birthday will be a little bit more subdued, but he has also drafted his list:

Camera (like Cole's indestructable)
Bob the Builder things
Dollhouse
Art stuff
Fire engine game
Police game
Sports things
Play structure
Flowers
Gardening tools
ladybug
crab
pool
water toys
Legos (normal size, not baby size) - police, fire engine, star wars

On the Oliver front, he is doing well.  He stays awake longer and longer each day, and I am pretty sure that he has already smiled like 20 times.  I know what you are thinking right now…it is just gas…well I say to you…I also smile after expunging gas….so there…  He has already started torturing his mother a little bit, but I am sure that will stop soon…at least I hope so…well it hasn’t yet with the other boys…

Last thing before I go.  I just found out that there is a 5K (for those of the Sam Baker ilk who agree that the metric system is stupid, 5K can roughly be converted to fro here to piyonder) fundraiser walk for Make A Wish in June.  We, or some portion of our household, are going to sign up.  I strongly encourage everyone else to do the same, or at least donate to the cause.  After I get my team registered, I will let you know how you can donate.  But at anytime if you want to donate to Make-A-Wish, but don’t know how, send me the money via paypal with a note that it is for Make-A-Wish, and I will get it there.  For now; however, please raise your glasses and toast Elisa, super mom.


Thursday, March 22, 2012

3-22-12

Why is it that when I eat cinnamon toast, it is not spicy, but every cinnamon flavored candy is spicy?  I asked Oliver but he just spit up on me.  I guess it is kind of a sensitive subject for him (and no the spit up was not caused by the red hot that I let him taste).  Oh well, I guess I will just have to write this off as a mystery that will never be solved.

Oliver continues to wake up a few times each night despite the fact that I keep explaining to him that it is night time, and night time is sleep time, not eat time.  I must have been looking a little ragged these last couple of days because Elisa decided to let me sleep through the 3 am feeding extravaganzas.  It is amazing that the baby could be all by himself up in the tree house (which, on the record, has never happened) and Elisa could be down the street playing the tuba, and she could still hear him cry.  On the other hand (no professor you are wrong, you don’t have to explicitly say ‘on one hand’ to be able to use ‘on the other hand’ when clearly the one hand is implied.  This from a professor who showed me a great deal of animal porn under the guise of an anthropology class), I could be taking a nap and the child could be sleeping on my face, and I would not hear him cry.

Oliver is getting pretty good at crying.  He is already better than Cole ever was.  When Cole was a baby, he would cry for a minute or two and then do a cost analysis report.  If the analysis determined that crying was not worth the effort, he would stop.  I am waiting to see if he will be able to have the perseverance that Logan had.  Logan’s analysis was to ask himself if he had been given whatever it was that he wanted which had begun the crying.  If no, then continue crying.  If yes, then ask if there is anything else that he wants.  If yes, then continue crying.

OK, that is all for today, please tip your waitresses on the way out, and don’t forget your jackets.  We will return shortly, but in the meantime please raise your glasses to the Baker Boys and their upcoming world tour.   

Monday, March 19, 2012

3-19-12

With each passing night early morning spent not sleeping, but rather holding a football shaped creature that enjoys spewing his midnight snack on my shirt (I must say that it is amazing how precise the aim of an infant truly is.  I can be wearing a robe made out of burp cloth, and he will still find the one spot where he can hit my clothes.), I realize more and more the wisdom of that great 21st century philosopher who opined, “I now know why young people have kids”.  This little dude is making me feel all of my over halfway to 70 years.

I used to could pull 48 hour runs on no sleep, and without the use of any chemical enhancement.  Those days are long gone.  Now all I can think of is when my next nap will be.  Oh well, I will exact my revenge later.  I have already complied collections of pictures and stories for Cole and Logan that are entitled “Prom Date Pictures.”  I plan on showing them to each of their respective prom dates on the big night.  That will show them…keeping me up past my bedtime.

I am pleased to report that Oliver has learned to use his legs in a more directed fashion.  He can now maneuver his legs out of the Kid-O-Potamus (Kid-O-Potamus is the most amazing invention since Bacon.  It is a blanket device that is used by idiot dads who are unable to perform the complex swaddle fold).  Of course he soon realizes that his feet are now cold, and he then proceeds to make me realize it. 

In other news, the crusty clump of dried human matter has fallen off of his belly, and I am pleased to announce the presence of an innie (by the way, this is a gross thing that we leave on the children.  Either medicine or evolution really needs to figure out a way to not have the dried end of the umbilical cord just sitting there for two weeks.). 

**Please note that the following is a paid advertisement**  Did you love the food at the last party that you went to?  Do you wish that you could have amazingly prepared food delivered to you door?  Do you love when announcers ask you multiple questions?  If so, then I would like to direct you to the company who is yet to be named, formed, or created.  With one simple click of the mouse, you will be able to order high end catered food for your family, and have it delivered to you door.  Please stay tuned for the creation of the company that will do this.  Thank you and God Bless America.

[And we’re back in 5….4…(hand signal 3)…(hand signal 2)…(hand signal 1)…(hand motion pointing at me]

 In sports news, Cole starts football today.  Relax, it is only flag football.  Although I did tell him that if it is second and one, he should lay into someone and take the penalty.  Tactics, I tell him….tactics.  I hate that I am going to miss watching him play for the next few weeks, but when I go on my baby daddy leave next month, I will get to watch him then.

Yesterday the older boys sat down and started on their birthday wish lists.  If you are interested, please check back later as we are in the process of editing Logan’s down to only include the realistic things (a butterfly flying over a flower was one entry) that have playing value for me.  Until that time comes, please raise your glasses and toast the California Baker family, the sweetest smelling of all the Bakers in California.

Friday, March 16, 2012

3-16-12

Last night Oliver and I started watching Game of Thrones.  For those of you who are not in the know, this is a show on TV.  We only got through the first few minutes before falling asleep, but so far it seems to be pretty close to the book.  I am glad that I did not live in medieval times cuz it seems like a smelly time to live. 

So anyway, like I was saying.  I will be going on my baby daddy leave April 18th for a six week paid holiday (holiday is the grown up word for changing poopy diapers all day long instead of just at night).  Given the severe lack of conversational skills that Oliver has thus far shown to have, and since I will be through the Game of Thrones DVD way before then, I think that I am going to need something to do with my time.

I know that some might say to clean the house, or to work out, or some other mind/body/life improving activity, but that is not really my style.  I need to come up with a plan (plan is the grown up word for a scam that is most likely not illegal) to somehow have people come to believe that I am performing work for them such that they feel obligated to pay me.

So far here are my ideas: I could write a book, initiate a culture war in this country, start a business, or join the mafia.  The phone lines are open so please feel free to give me some ideas, or comment on the awesomeness of my current ideas. 

Hopefully I can, with your help, come up with an idea that is so brilliant that I won’t have to go back to work, and can just be a stay at home dad (see Michael Keaton, worked for him.  I even have a pair of sweats in the car already). 

I am currently working on a plan that will involve my neighbor doing all the work, my sister doing the books, and my brother creating the technology, with me all the while making tons of money.  The plan is still in the crack pipe stage, but I will let you know when it moves into the sphere of reality.

For now; however, please raise your glasses and toast Logan, because he is the middle child now and in need of some love.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

3-15-12

I am sooooooooooo tired.  Last night Oliver thought it would be funny to lull me into a false sense of security by easily burping and then falling right to sleep after each of the evening feedings.  Of course it was just part of his diabolical plan because he then chose the 2am feeding to not burp, and to freak out whenever I put him into his bed.  That meant that, due to certain laws prohibiting the dangling of infants by their very small (and admittedly extraordinarily cute) toes, I found myself sitting on the couch holding a baby and watching Criminal Minds and Law & Order (two shows which will seriously mess with your mind at that time of night.  I feel like there are serial killers everywhere around me now.  I keep looking for a bulge (gun…..dirty mind) in my co-workers’ clothes so that I can find out who the killer is.  (Once I do find them I will, naturally, disarm them with my wit and a well placed cup of coffee in the face.  I have it all planned out.  The hard part will be to make sure that I have hot coffee within reach at all times today.)) while that silly little boy slept comfortably in my arms.  Try and put him back in his crib you say?  Nooooooo, we were not having that.  Fun times.

On other child fronts, Logan appears to be going through a growth spurt while at the same time transforming his bone structure to that of a Baker from the Arizona Clan (of which the California Clan is an evolutionarily advanced offshoot).  For those of you who have never seen a Baker attempt to jump (a truly comic sight) or had one sit on you, let me explain.  Something happens to the bones of a Baker whereby the makeup of the bone becomes more like lead than bone.  This causes a 123234532% weight increase without any visible indication of said increase.  You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I weigh 432 lbs.  I know, right?  I hide it well.

Cole is rockin’ the first grade at Allen Elementary.  He has made inroads into the elite social circles, and has even been invited to his first birthday gala which is being held for one of the debutante’s birthday.  Not to be outdone, we are currently planning our own soiree and Cole is rapidly approaching his 1/10th of the way to 70 birthday.  He is all done, hopefully forever, with his in hospital treatments.  We are currently finishing up his last round of at home medication cycles.  We will be taking various pictures of his insides in the middle of April.  The result of those pictures will determine what future treatments, if any, will be needed.  Best case scenario is that no treatments will be needed, and that his broviac line (the tube sticking out of his chest) can be removed. 

Elisa is on vacation eating bon bons and sipping margaritas.  Or, another way to put it is that she is home with the baby keeping him alive, happy, clean, and trying to clean up a house that her multiple male dude type peoples spend their entire waking moments destroying.  Sometimes I am not sure why she tolerates us.  We smell.  We are loud.  We are messy.  I think that if there was no such thing as a top shelf, I would be out of a job.  Hopefully that will not come to pass, but I will let you know if it does.  For now, however, please raise your glasses and toast the California Bakers, stars of the new show in NBC, “Elisa And Her Messy Dude Type People”  

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

3-14-12

Please note the new and snazzy blog site that I have created.  OK, fine, it is not really that new and not very snazzy, but in my defense I am a very uncreative and not too computer savvy dude.  I should be given credit for the fact that I did make some changes and did not completely melt the internet, which I do have the power to do.  What Al Gore giveth, so can I taketh away.  (Betcha didn’t know that huh?)

As the new title of the blog indicates, we have expanded the scope of this blog to cover the entirety of the California Baker Clan.  Many of you are familiar with this genetically superior offshoot of other clans, and are giddy with anticipation to be able to finally be able to follow all of your favorite California Bakers as they travel down this crazy road.  Granted the road is crazy cuz the driver of the bus done lost his mind many many moons ago.

Now that the platitudes, beatitudes, and all the other *tudes have been extolled, we can get down to brass tacks (what a strange expression.  The origin of this expression is currently being hotly debated on the interweb as we speak.  More details to follow as they become available.  Back to you Skip). 

I will give a detailed, albeit a slightly loony, update on Cole in subsequent postings, but we have bigger news to report here at channel me.

Of course the big news is that on or about March 1, 2012 at approximately 10:00 am PST, we evicted(I would normally put a footnote marker here but not sure how that works when I covert this to the blog, and since I don’t want to destroy everyone’s favorite internet, I will just give credit to this expression to one Elisa Baker) our newest clan member, Oliver Aren Baker. 

The tale of the tape:
--height/length: 20.5”
--weight: 8lbs 9.2oz
--hair: more than me

Oliver (or Ollie Tamale as Colie Guacamole likes to call him) is doing very well thus far and has already started teasing Cole and Logan that he has his own room while they have to share.  Elisa is also, of course, doing remarkably well.

I am reveling in being a new dad again.  I just love holding that little ball of wrinkles and strange body noises because he is too young to tell me that my singing is horrendous and that I should really stop.  He also can’t tell me that my stories are boring.  In fact he seems to be totally enthralled with my stories, especially my explanations of various economic principals and philosophies (granted, that could just be gas on his part).

Hey, do you think that they name pancakes “pancakes” so that it would trick kids into thinking that they were having cake for breakfast?  Odviously adults cannot be trusted to be around pancakes alone, and should always have supervision.

Well ok then, I think that my brain has leaked onto this paper enuf for the day.  We will talk again later.  In the meantime, please raise your glasses and toast the California Bakers, the odvious successors to the Jackson 5 legacy.