Now as a rule I am completely unable to watch any show or movie that has a kid being hurt, or being evil, etc, and ever since this thing with Cole has happened the list of self-banned material has increased. With all that I somehow found myself watching a show (Criminal Minds, a show that I normally really like) that involved a man who had lost his entire family over something that was out of his control (in this case drunk driver killed his family) and a kid that was seriously sick (sociopath. I know it is different but a sick kid is still a sick kid). I should have known better than to watch it, but I could not turn it off.
It got me to thinking about how sucky (yes it is a word) this whole thing with Cole is. If Cole had gotten Cancer because I smoked around him, or because I fed him lead paint for breakfast, or I made him an asbestos sweater. But none of those things happened. Cole just drew the short end of the stick. He lost the lottery. What a shitty thing this is.
Now you are probably thinking that Cole must have been having a few bad days, or the vomiting has been severe, or something else bad has caused me to start dwelling on the unfairness of it all. Actually the opposite is true.
Today Cole and I had a super fun day. We played Wii for way more hours that will make Elisa happy (Elisa, you are expressly forbidden from reading this paragraph). I taught Cole how to add with carrying (now called regrouping). I helped him to start writing a story. I made him cook his own lunch. We made cupcakes. We laughed, and generally had an awesome day.
So there I was watching this show that I should not have been watching when I heard Cole cough twice within a span of 2 minutes. For all of the rest of you with kids, you know that when your kid coughs, your ears perk up but you otherwise continue with what you were doing. I, on the other hand, ran into his room with a bowl just in case he was going to be sick. He was not, but after I ran in there I looked down at him and saw how fragile he still really is. He is not that robust, healthy, chubby little boy that I remember from just a few months ago, and it is just not fair.
With all of that Negative Nancying (yes it is a word, stop interrupting please or we will never get done) over and done with, I am happy to report that Cole is doing well. He had an appointment at the clinic on Tuesday. He counts were high enough that he did not need a transfusion, so that is good. He is still getting his daily shot though.
We go into Chemo #4 next week. We are inching closer and closer to the surgery. I think that right now that is my biggest fear. It is not the surgery itself that scares me, but I am scared that they will look at his CT et al and say that they can not operate. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it.
I am hopeful that everything will continue to go according to plan, but in the meantime please raise your glasses and toast Cole, FBI agent.
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