I know that we are supposed to use our support structure, and don't get me wrong they are great, but it kills me that I have been home the last two nights while Cole is in the hospital. I know I have to take care of me, but I miss my son.
Its not fucking fair that this is happening to him. He is such a good boy. He cares about others. He loves school and learning. He is polite to others. Why? Why? Why?
Fortunately I am going down tomorrow, and will be staying overnight and then will be there all day on Wednesday. It is strange that I am supposed to go home to recharge my batteries so that I can be strong when I am with him, but it seems to be working the other way around. When I see him, I am refreshed and know that I can take on the world, or at least the little bastard that is trying to take my baby from me.
This is not really an update. I just can't sleep right now. When I am awake and either working or doing stuff to help Cole (be it sitting with him, planning, logisticizing (yes that is a word), tasking others, etc) I feel much better than when I am alone in a dark room with only my thoughts which invariably turn to the worst case scenarios.
I also know that this is normal...no normal is the wrong word, nothing is normal in this screwed up situation.... I know that this is natural to feel this way and like Elisa said to me, if we can get through this first week of finding out about the Cancer, then it will get more manageable. It just really really really sucks.
On a different train of thought (because that is how my mind works)....this is the first time I have written a blog. It is a strange feeling because while I am writing it, I am doing so as if I am having a conversation; however, there is no other person who is immediately responding as would happen in a normal conversation. I know people are reading it because blogs keep track of such things, but I am kind of just talking to the air. I think that I understand Christian Slater's character much more now.
Enough about me, for now please raise your glasses and make a toast to Cole, the long haul truck driver.